Three Men and a Little CRaZy: Breaking Our Silence

Monday, August 13, 2012

Breaking Our Silence

Pretty dramatic title, huh?

I was going to go with Hi, my name is Jessica and I have a brain disorder.

But that's just too much, right?

And no, it's not Huntington's or Multiple Sclerosis.

Just your everyday ADHD.

Say what?!

I know, I know. If you're anything like me, this is the image that comes to mind when you hear ADHD

or maybe this one

This kid cracks me up...and kind of scares the crap out of me.

Where to start?

I have written and rewritten this post over and over again. One draft had examples of my own personal experiences, which I quickly decided was way too much crazy for one day. Another had a bunch of statistics, which was both boring and seemed to be begging for attention or pity, and for things that we all experience. So basically, here's the deal: I have felt for some time now, since pretty much as long as I can remember, that something was just not right with me. I won't get into the details, but I felt like the most normal tasks were often a huge struggle and I could never quite understand how people seemed to breeze through and even enjoy the simplest things in life.

I've mentioned before about my goal to "find myself" (cheesy, I know) and in doing so have read a ton of spiritual, self-help, and other books. Don't laugh. In an attempt to just slow down, relax, and reflect I tried meditation, exercise, changing my eating habits, breathing techniques, listening to classical music, vocal toning, and many others. (Seriously, Google "vocal toning" and picture me walking through Ikea with my crazy kids giving that one a shot. Not pretty.)

Everything resonated with me but nothing stuck. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't ungrateful or unmotivated or lazy, but something was "off". It was if the energy I put out did not show in my results or like my wheels were constantly spinning and my mind could never turn off. Sometimes the smallest tasks felt like moving mountains. It's nearly impossible to put into words.

Perhaps by a stroke of serendipity or perhaps because I read The Secret and kept asking the universe to give me the answer (don't laugh, sadly I am only half joking here), I stumbled upon this book: Organizing Solutions for People With ADD: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized.

I have always craved organization and have tried what seems ridiculously hard to obtain it, but have rarely found practices and solutions that worked for me, so when I saw the ADD in the title (which I've often, and even on my blog, joked about), I scooped it up.

Note: It is my understanding that ADHD is the technical term but many don't experience the H (outwardly at least) so it is sometimes referred to as ADD.

I really wasn't focusing on the ADD part (ha ha...that's kind of funny...get it, focus on ADD?...never mind) but rather the organizational techniques, when soon I realized that some of the points made sense and really rang true for me. But I didn't think much of it, reading the book and returning it to the library.

Fast forward a few weeks and a magazine I was reading had a list of reader suggestions. One of these books was Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness.

Hmmm, interesting. I've always been interested in psychology and psychiatry, and surely my brain has issues, so let's give it a shot. And as a side note, I think the title sounds a lot goofier than it is. It's actually written by a world renowned psychiatrist who shares his experience with using brain scans to diagnose brain disorders. Truly an interesting read whether you've got a case of the crazies or not.

On my next trip to the library I picked it up, along with Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder, which just happened to be on the same shelf and caught my eye. Adult ADD, I thought. Is that such a thing?

And really, what is it with the lame titles for these books?

One night while lying in bed, Steve glanced over at what I was reading and gave me a look like Ummm, I think we know who it is and yes, let's get off this roller coaster.

In return I gave him the stink eye and told him to zip it.

True love over here, people. True love.

But back to my research...

So in true ADD fashion, I read these two books simultaneously. I kept one in my car and one by my bed and read a chapter here and a chapter there when I had the time.

They were fascinating!

I even threw a third book into the mix, as if to really smack it home that I had an attention deficit.

I was hesitant to get too excited/scared/ashamed by a self diagnosis, but I was definitely curious and dare I say a bit relieved that maybe, just maybe, there really was something going on that was beyond my complete control. But in the same breath, I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, and I was definitely on the fence of whether I was ready to go through life with something like ADHD stamped on my forehead.

I sat on this info for a couple months, really trying to decipher whether this could be "it". I also incorporated some of the techniques I read about to see if they helped. Coincidentally, many of them were things I had unknowingly adopted for myself through the years.

But it wasn't enough.

After a while I decided it was time to suck it up and find a professional. I did some research and found a doctor who specializes in Adult ADHD. Again, who knew?! It took some time to get in to see her but it was worth it. It didn't take long for her to agree that what I was suffering from was indeed ADHD and that based on her evaluation of me it was most likely something I'd had for the past 25+ years. And that through many of those years, particularly recently, I was overcompensating for my weaknesses and therefore driving myself absolutely batty.

I left her office feeling ashamed, scared, alone, and insecure, yet at the same time understood, excited, relieved, and sensing some major changes in my future. This is a hard one for me to explain. I can only imagine that it's the same type of monumental experience that someone who just found out they were adopted would feel. Again with the drama, I know. Life changing is really the best way to sum it up.

So what is it?

ADHD occurs as a result of neurological dysfunction in the prefrontal cortex. Brain scans can actually show this part of the brain going inactive when the subject is asked to focus on something.

It is the #1 researched and studied brain disorder, but it can also be diffiulct to diagnosis. ADHD has developed a stigma over the years of only affecting young males. Until recently it was believed that boys were more likely to suffer from ADHD, but research now shows that an astonishing amount of girls are going undiagnosed. The reason being that girls tend not to show the hyperactivity side and typically channel that energy into being the teacher's helper or described as a social butterfly. Without the outward hyperactivity girls tend to manage their other symptoms and get by without diagnosis. It's often not until women have children with ADHD that they recognize the symptoms and they themselves get diagnosed.

Many children eventually grow out of it, but it's estimated that 3-4% of adult Americans suffer from it which is a staggering 13 million, yet only four out of five are aware they have it. Talk about a lot of crazy out there on the streets. :)

Some experts in the field have suggested that it even be given a new name due to its misleading nature. Not only is the hyperactivity not always present, but most would describe it as a hyper-focus or hyper-attention rather than a deficit. I'm telling you, it's hard to explain. Believe me, I don't expect for you to understand. Heck, I've been reading about and processing this all for months and I still don't quite get it.

Here are some great resources if you're interested learning more:

http://www.adhdawarenessweek.org/

http://www.add.org/

http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-adults

http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/052010p14.shtml

So why here?

This blog chronicles our family, and this happens to be something pretty big for our us right now, especially considering that our kids are genetically predisposed and are 25-30% more likely to have it. This is something I will work at every day and something that very possibly my children will struggle with as well. We've already spoken to their pediatrician and have started putting routines and practices into place that will hopefully help to manage some of these tendencies.

Ugh, this not easy stuff to talk about.

In fact, it's been a couple months now since the diagnosis and I've only told three of my closest friends and family members. I almost feel like it's some weird secret I'm keeping, but the truth is I still feel a bit embarrassed. Since ADHD is so misunderstood, it's very difficult and time consuming to explain. I fear the questioning looks and the inevitable response of, "I never would have guessed. You seem so put together." as if they just found out I dropped out of school in the second grade or worked as a hooker through my teens. Or the "Oh, I have problems with all those things so I must have it too." Because the truth is we do all experience these "symptoms", especially in this world of technology, social media and other distractions, but believe me when I say it is a totally different ballgame.

But truthfully, if even one person follows some of the links I posted and recognizes symptoms in themselves or a loved one and is able to get help from it, sharing my experience is completely worth it. (I recognize this sounds pretty dorky and kind of public-service-announcement of me, but it's true.)

So what now?

Good question. I feel like there are years of "stuff" I need to catch up on. But first I'm just spending a little time taking it all in and regrouping. It feels like such a relief to have some of this fog lifted from head and to actually start prioritizing and accomplishing and enjoying things. I definitely know that somewhere in my life I will find a way to raise awareness for this disorder. I absolutely hate the thought that people are out there suffering (and it really is suffering whether you're able to wrap your mind around it or not). Really, the World Health Organization and the The Center for Disease Control and Prevention have some pretty interesting statistics of how this is affecting our society.

And who knows, maybe I'll go back and finish that psych degree. Perhaps had I completed it in the first place I would have stumbled upon this sooner. Kind of ironic, eh? But like so many things in life, I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. I most likely would not have met Steve and started this crazy little family of ours, and although I complain about them a lot, I'm pretty fond of my little crazies.

It's also been a good reminder to remain open-minded and considerate of other people and the battles they might be facing.

OK, I think I better click publish before I chicken out and erase this whole thing...again. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by way of response. I do hope that even if you're not able to understand (because I totally get that), maybe you can at least be understanding. I'm honestly still a little wary of talking about it but maybe you can throw me a